Let me first say what this is not, what I’m not, what you’re not.
This is not a love letter. I’m not in love with you. You’re not the be all and end all of my existence. My words may not impress you, but every word is written in all sincerity and honesty coming from the heart of one who dotes on you.
It’s 765 days since I first saw Lee Gak on my laptop screen. What started out as compelling curiosity has led me deep into an unknown world dominated by an arresting gaze I now find impossible to turn away from.
I know it’s surreal seeing matured ladies – noonas, ajhumas and halmonies – travel thousands of miles just to see you, screaming your name like they never left their teens, having the time of their lives seeing you dance and listening to your voice, losing their inhibition and openly admiring a young man. But what can we do? Believe me it feels even more weird being in our shoes. Had you been born ten years earlier then I wouldn’t feel at all old being your fan. Had you been born three hundred years ago, I can just put my fascination with you to your being a classic, the way I see Shakespeare or Lord Byron or uh Mr. Darcy! Sometimes I am dumbfounded at the pull you have over me. How can an old-fashioned bookworm, a practical, no-nonsense workaholic like me turn into someone I have become: a Chunworm? I don’t know what it is in you that connect with me even through the Exabyte between us. I don’t know what it is that burns in your eyes that go straight to my heart. I don’t know how you managed to secure such a soft spot in my heart. Were you, perhaps, my little brother or my son five hundred years ago? Haha! Even my seven-year old nephew said maybe I was a Korean in my previous life. See! 😀
I thought I would be contented to watch and support you from the other side of the world. Come to think of it, I never even dreamed of seeing your concert because it’s just so out of this world for me. It seemed so impossible that I would fly to another country, look straight into the eyes of an Immigration Officer asking me what I was going to Hong Kong for and say, “I’m going to see the concert of JYJ.” If somebody told me two years ago that I would willingly wait for hours at the airport just to get a glimpse of someone who doesn’t even know I exist I would have laughed at such a farfetched idea. Ehhhh?! But wait for you, I did, pulling my luggage from one exit to another and back. I wanted to tell my boss who kept on calling me for some business matter, “Boss, stop calling me, I am waiting for Park Yuchun!” I can’t believe I went running around with young people, haring from east to west entrances of Asia World Expo, up and down levels, desperately wanting to get a pair of Mickey ears and a blue light stick, not minding at all the hell my wedges were inflicting on my feet. I thought I didn’t know how to scream because I have never done so in my life, and screaming is for kids anyway. Or so I thought. But all of those I did, because of you. I didn’t mind that I looked totally ridiculous wearing those blue Mickey ears haha! I mean it looked cute on kids. But on me, awkward haha! My arms were so insistent; they had a mind of their own waving those light sticks in the air. When you looked our way I hoped you could see that one crazy blue light stick among thousands of blue, burning so bright just for you. I may not be able to make sense of all the things I did, but I poured every single word I could not tell you and will never be able to tell you, all the thoughts that were clamoring inside my head, all the wishes and prayers for you, I put all into that single light I was lovingly, albeit crazily, waiving.
Initially, when I learned about the stops of your (JYJ) concert tour, the decision to go to one of the cities was instant. I was set on it, I was going to see you NO MATTER WHAT. I was just wavering between Hong Kong and Saigon. (Man, I should have gone to Saigon! I would have got soaked in the rain with you, to hell with the joints pains later on!) When I finally decided I was going to see you in Hong Kong, along with excitement was the feeling of apprehension and dread. A Chunsa friend asked me why on earth would I be so afraid. I got away not answering her question. But I couldn’t not answer myself the same question. I couldn’t get away from the answer that kept on nagging at me. The truth is I was afraid of being disappointed. I was afraid that the man I admired so much from my laptop might not be the same in the flesh. Of course I knew I wouldn’t even be at shouting distance, let alone near enough to see your pores, but still I was afraid. What if everything about you was just a pigment of everybody’s imagination, including my own? What if I suddenly realize I didn’t want to be enthralled by you anymore? Aigoo, such was the torture this noona was inflicting on her self.
When you finally appeared in front of my eyes, with thousands of seats and screaming heads between us, I had goose bumps all over my body. I wanted so much to cry. My fingers’ instinct was to search for the pause key like I do on my laptop, or to zoom you in to make you larger just like on my phone. Everybody was screaming, I didn’t realize I was screaming myself, if what my throat produced could be called a scream, that is. Although you were just the size of my little pinky, I was finally seeing you in all your sexy, beautiful, charming, luminescent flesh. A little brown mouse like me was seeing The Micky! What a dreamlike thing to happen. My eyes were like programmed to zoom in on you and follow your every movement. It was simply heart pounding.
There are so many things I want to ask you.
Are you happy? I pray that you are. Let go of the loads you are carrying in your heart. You have been the best son to your Mum. You have been the best big brother to Yuhwan. Now be the best Park Yuchun to your self.
Are you doing what you really want to do? Just go ahead and fly, Park Yuchun. Act with all your might; sing with the deepest passion in your soul. Do what your heart tells you. (Em I wouldn’t mind if you listened to Chunsas’ wishes though. Like we’ve wanted a solo album from you for the longest time. Just to tide us over for the next two years, you know. Haha.) Thank you for giving us Mu Gak before you go. We are avidly waiting to meet him. And maybe a film after Mu Gak? I know I’m pushing it haha! But one can only hope. 😉
Have you met her yet? I pray that you do when it’s time. I hope that she will love you unconditionally, with every cell in her body. Just you. For no other reason than because it’s you.
That HK concert will not be the first and last I am seeing you. Next time I’ll choose a City where the probability of rain is high haha! 😀 Meanwhile, I will support you from the other side of the world. This little mouse of a noona will always believe in you and will probably be twiddling her thumbs waiting for you for two years haha! Do for your country what you ought and don’t worry about your angels, we’re a pretty patient lot. I mean you disappear on us for months on end don’t you? Haha! Admittedly we whine, but after that we wait patiently for you. Two years is just twenty-four months. We can handle that. Just please come back to us safe and healthy.
Always by your side,
Chunworm (Jellybean) Philippines